It's the Little Things

Anyone who knows me knows that I don't usually handle stress too well. I'm an emotional person. I jump to conclusions. I'm passionate about things. I cry and cry hard to let stress go. I hold things in until I could emotionally spontaneously combust. I usually imagine the worst case scenario in seemingly hopeless situations, dwell on it, and drive myself and everyone around me absolutely nuts only to later find out the end result was nothing near my worst thoughts as to what could happen. So why do I sit here and post about all this?

The last couple of years have been some of the most difficult of my life. And yet I still sit here with a conglomerate-like pile of "what ifs" and "possibilities" on my life's plate. And though there are definitely those moments of trying to digest one idea over another as to what my life has in store for me, I am currently calm and show no signs of "indigestion".

Again, the 2 people who actually read this may be sitting and looking at their computer screen, wondering "what in the world is this nut-job talking about?"

I'm talking about letting go, and letting God. In the last two years, we have been living by the "what if" concept and at times it has been heart-breaking, disappointing, full of joy, confusion, introspection, and faith-trying.

We have loved and lost foster babies, considered the possibility of a cross-country move, staying put, being employed or not, looking for jobs both in state and out, sworn up and down we'd never foster again (only to be inspired to do it again), and been blessed with an incredibly gorgeous and fun red-headed ladybug. The list goes on and on but the recent epiphany that has come to mind is that over the last two years, through all the ups and downs, God has been with me the ENTIRE time. If I ever felt distanced from Him, or alone, or just downright miserable, it's because I was so absorbed in whatever it was at certain moments that I had absolutely no control over, I failed to recognize either His hand or presence.

Last year, when we sent the boys to live with their grandparents, it felt like someone had died. The loss I felt almost felt like an opened wound that would never heal itself. But then something happened.....time & life. Life came in and went on even when all I wanted to do was curl up and let it move on with out me.

God had something else planned for me though. He wasn't about to let me just wallow in self-pity and a broken heart. He got me motivated to go back to work full time and pursue a higher level of certification in interpreting. Then the possibility of fostering presented itself once again and I thought I was crazy when Brandon and I decided it was something we were willing to try again.

I sit here amidst what could turn out to be a lengthy process of whether we get this adorable little red head. We still don't know if Brandon will be laid off, or transferred. We are anxious to move out of the duplex we are living in for a myriad of reasons (those of you who are aware of our plight, know that's an entirely different post). Yet I have absolutely no control over any of these things. And very recently I let out some frustration over this very thing, but when I started focusing on the things that I do have control over, and the countless blessings that I have, I felt more at ease.

I have opened my heart and my mind to God. I almost always have a prayer in my heart. I am studying my scriptures. I am trying to be more patient. I am thinking more positively. All because I made myself sit back and think about the blessings in my life. And "letting go and letting God".