No Excuses

This blog post will seem like it's coming out of nowhere, but here goes.

I'm shocked, dismayed, disappointed, and humiliated. And for one main reason.

I'm FAT. I got on the scale a couple of weeks ago, and had that scary, takes your breath away, lightning strikes, no holds barred epiphany. I have reached a weight that I never wanted to reach, and when I mean NEVER, I meant not even 23 months pregnant type weight. (if there was such a thing).

And at first all I could think of was questions such as "How could I do this to myself?", "What the HELL???", "How could I have gained those last 20 lbs THAT FAST???". Tears flowed, swear words came boiling to the surface of my mind, and what semblance of self-confidence seemingly flushed themselves down the toilet close to where my scale sits in my bathroom. Talk about an epiphany that ruins just about everything.

I thought about recent discussions with people that love and care about me enough to tell me that they are worried about me.

I thought about how I've been ignoring my progressive feeling of my clothes getting tighter and tighter.

I thought about how I've busted the zippers in two of my favorite skirts that I wear to church (this puts a SERIOUS damper on outfit options on Sunday mornings before church).

I realized that I've not felt good about how I feel, look, or perceive myself in let's see... I can't even tell you how long.

I realized that the options of clothes that only barely fit in my closet have been diminishing right before my eyes.

Then came the harsh, heart pricking, humbling, and devastating realization, and understanding that I have only one person I can blame for this... that is ME.

I have waited too long, sitting on the sidelines of the game called LIFE, watching other people losing weight and enjoying the fruits of their efforts both in the gym and in watching what they eat.

For too long, I have desperately wanted to feel, look, and know that I am healthy again.

I decided to stop living the way I was living, and to make a serious change.

I am working out again.

I am eating better, and writing down everything that I eat.

I am slowly changing my mindset: that I am not worthless, that I am worth IT.

And I am starting, ever so slowly, to see some results.

To keep doing what I was doing, and to choose not to leave the sidelines is no longer an option.

I have NO excuses.