Just Call Me Grace

Hallie and I have been sick for almost a week now fighting the flu/cold crud that has been going around as it does every year.  We have been cooped up in the house for several days and we were both going kind of nuts.  The last 3 days have shown signs that we are on the mend, so we ventured out to a park today before the nasty weather hits at the end of the week.

We spent some time playing and chasing each other and as I was walking to sit on a park bench so that Hallie could play with some other kids, I told her "Be careful while you play honey."  As soon as I said this, (oh the irony) I ran headfirst into a pole.  I immediately looked around to see if anyone had seen, but luckily not.  But boy did I feel stupid!

As if that wasn't bad enough, I crouched down to walk under one of the bridges on the playground and nearly knocked myself out cold AGAIN by beaning my head HARD on the bottom of the bridge.

Just call me Grace........

Diabetes? Fine. Infertility? Nope.

I am pretty open about many things in my life.  People who know me well know that when they ask me an honest question, they can expect a reciprocating answer.  In this fashion, I might be a bit too trusting.  There are things that I get asked about the most often, the front-runner being my diabetes.  Diabetes is something I harbor absolutely no bad feelings about.  I sometimes feel discouraged, frustrated, or downright ornery about the subject, namely on days that have seen rollercoasting highs and lows when it comes to my blood sugar, but for the most part if someone has questions, they can feel free to ask away.  I even answer the seemingly endless barrage of stupid/ignorant questions about my diabetes.

Then there's that other topic once people find out that we have been married for as long as we have and they learn that Hallie is adopted.  The elephant in the room when such questions arise or such information is learned: INFERTILITY...

I don't know why this topic is so taboo for me.  Accepting it? Easy.  Facing it with medical help/intervention?  Haven't quite gone there yet.  Discussing it with members of my family who struggle with it?  No problem.  Discussing the sometimes personal and searching questions from people I hardly know or don't quite know well enough?  YIKES.  

I can't quite explain that feeling of me putting up a nearly tangible but invisible barrier/wall around me when someone expresses curiosity as to why we only have one child. You would think that having married into a culture where blunt and searching questions abound, that I would be able to be more open about this...topic.  

Not only are there the questions surrounding how Hallie came into our family, then there are the questions about how do we plan on having/getting more kids, or questions as to when we plan on it etc.  I can't quite put a label to all the different types of questions that result from one BIG question, but I just don't always feel ready to talk about it, or I get sick of giving the same answers over and over and over again.  

I have friends that are pretty open about the fact that infertility is a challenge they and their significant others face in their lives. I support them in that.  Even when they are a bit TMI in my opinion.  

So there you go, I have put this out there.  Do any of my 3 readers (maybe I'm being presumptuous) or so struggle with anything like this?  

29 Has Come and Gone...

My 29th birthday has come and gone.  It was a fairly good day with the exception that I was watching my sister's dog while she and her family were on vacation and he decided to go out back and roll around in fresh dog poop, hence me having to wash him twice and then clean out the bath tub, but I digress....

Something about turning 29 kind of hit me. Just a week before my birthday was both my husband's and my dad's birthdays, and they turned 30 and 60.  But there was just something about 29 that felt different.  I felt OLD.  Someone that we go to church with asked me if I was turning 32 or 33 because they thought I was a few years older than Brandon.  Sheesh.  That will do a number on the psyche. Digression.....

I am a little scattered today, maybe even more so than usual.

Anyways, when asked what I would want for my birthday, I asked for money.  I knew pretty much what I wanted to spend it on, so I did my research for people's reviews online and found that a majority were pretty positive, so I went ahead with my purchase!  Here is what I got:

I absolutely love these pots and pans from Rachel Ray!  My kitchen is decorated in a lighter shade of blue, and a brighter cobalt blue.  Blue is one of my favorite colors, it always has been.

I had a little bit of a run in with bad luck upon buying these at one of the local stores, I brought them home and opened the box and washed the pans and put them away.  I used a couple of them and washed them up again and noticed that one of the non-stick linings on a sauce pan was starting to peel back and flake off.  I thought this was strange, so back to the store they went, and I exchanged them for new ones, as well as buying two more different sized skillets that were on sale and getting a flat square shaped skillet.  I have also used birthday money to buy some of Rachel Ray's blue spatulas, and I would also like her large blue roasting pan and a set of mixing spoons as well.  But those will have to wait maybe until Christmas.

Some might think that I haven't had my other pots and pans that long.  You would be right, we just celebrated our 8 year anniversary earlier this week on the 7th!  But I was tired of those pots and pans and I knew someone that could use them.  I wanted something new and different for my kitchen, and something to put to good use with my newfound love for cooking.

Since I am staying at home now, I have so much more free time on my hands to be able to plan dinners, make the grocery shopping lists for the recipe ingredients, and actually cook them.  I have loved this.  With me staying at home, we aren't eating out nearly as much as we used to, and cooking deliciously healthy meals has been both budget friendly and fun for me.  Now I am just that much more excited since I have these new pretties to cook with!

Hope everyone is doing well!

" I NEED JESUS!!"

A couple of evenings ago, Hallie and I went to the local Dollar Tree to get her some more puzzles to do since she is stinkin' smart and has gotten tired of the ones we bought just last week.  She was so good in the store and when we got in the car I started to tease her a little bit:

"Hallie, you are a cute little stinker."

"I not a stinker Mama."

"Yes you are, and a smart little stinker at that."

"But Mama, I NOT a stinker, I not have a stinky diaper."

"Hallie, you  are MY little stinky stinker!"

"I NOT A STINKER!  I NOT STINKY!"
(getting clearly frustrated at my fun little teasing, she starts to cry a bit)

(sniffle sniffle)

"I NEED JESUS!"...."I love Jesus!"

I couldn't help but laugh at how this conversation panned out between the two of us.

As I kept driving I couldn't help but think to myself, that yes, in fact we ALL need Jesus.

And I had to laugh at how serious she was, and yet sincere when she said that.  I love my sweet, endearing, wide little girl.

My Progress in Operation Chubba Chubba to Hubba Hubba!

A couple of posts ago, I talked about my newly energized motivation and efforts in to doing something about my weight.  This is a work in progress.  Some days are much better than others.  I am learning/realizing new things or "long buried somewhere deep in the recesses of my conscience" things about myself as I go about figuring this stuff out:

- I am a compulsive/stress/emotional eater.
-Zumba is a TON of fun, though I am clearly one of the idiots that is seriously lacking in the coordination department, hence the reason I stand clear in the back, behind those other people that make it look entirely way too easy.
-One of the worst times of day for me is in the evenings after Hallie has "hit the hay".
- One of my new favorite motivational quotes is "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail", this has led me to meal planning and the subsequent grocery lists I find myself making each week.
-I have noticed that a positive consequence of meal planning and attempting to stick to a budget has given me a new feeling of contentment as I look at my grocery haul each week and realize that I am buying less and less processed foods with "nutritional" labels with ingredients that only the great God in Heaven and hard-core scientists can pronounce.
-Cooking is becoming a new favorite pastime. I like seeing what I can do in my own kitchen and being able to ensure that we are all eating much healthier.
-Working out is not always running, or doing the elliptical, there are days when just getting a move on feels great, like on family walks!
-My blood sugar levels have come way down, WAY down meaning I am starting to feel some semblance of what it feels like to actually feel "normal", with the exception of a few low blood sugars here in there.
-Fruit salad is one of my new favorite things. I am loving this time of year with all the crazy fresh berries, grapes, etc.  They make for a kick-fannie salad!
-Quitting caffeine 3-4 months ago is one of the best things I could do for my health, now I'm focusing on quitting carbonation altogether.  As a diabetic, my kidneys may one day be considered a precious commodity if I don't start taking better care of them.
-I am strong enough to resist delectable and delicious temptation.  In the past few weeks I have had some family come to town and take us out to yummy restaurants, and I have been able to resist ordering dessert.
-This last week I have been able to seriously cut back on nighttime cravings/indulgences, but believe me it hasn't been perfect.  Losing weight and facing your inner food demons isn't all sunshine, daisies, and perfume, neither is it an exact science.
-Eating healthier helps all the guilt that comes with eating the naughty foods both as a person wanting to lose weight and as a diabetic take a vacation from the forefront of my mind.

So needless to say, I am feeling better.  The weight loss is slow and steady, sometimes even as slow as a funeral dirge, but hey, I only want to go up from here (metaphorically speaking, and no way in hell weight-speaking) ;)

Some Things You Just Can't Get Back

Time, like the words we choose, is something you can't take back. Time can be sectioned off, blocked off, shared, given, consumed, rushed, slowed down, stressful, relaxing etc. And try as you might, you can never get it back once it's gone.

Over the past several months, I have been thinking about time and how it is slipping away from me. Hallie turned 3 years old on Easter, and it came as a bit of a shock. Every thought about time that I've had in the last few months came to the forefront of my mind. And I must admit, it felt like walking face first into a brick wall.

My little girl is growing up. And there is nothing I can do to slow it down.  Everyday she says and does new things that amaze me.  Just a couple of days ago, we were outside on the driveway drawing with sidewalk chalk, and when I drew a picture of a sun, she drew one  for the first time that actually looked like a sun. I was taken aback.  She can now copy different types of lines that I draw with the sidewalk chalk. And today we were outside with the chalk and she started scribbling on the cement and announced with unabashed joy that the she was going to draw a rocketship that was "going to outerspace".  All I could think in response to this was "Where has the time gone?" and "When in the world did she get so smart??".

A small piece of my heart broke (maybe you could even say cracked) a little when I thought about how she is no longer the tiny baby we got when she was just shy of turning 1 year old.  In just two very short years, she will be one summer away from starting kindergarten.  And when I am away from her, I can almost physically feel those precious moments like countless tiny granules of sand slipping through my fingers. And this scares the crap out of me.

We waited so long and prayed so hard to get her.  My heart is often heavy when I leave her to go to work. She has told me often lately that she doesn't want to go to the sitter's, that she wants me to stay with her.  I have thought about how this affects her, and how it affects me. And the only real conclusion I can come to, and have come to is this: if time and its moments are like those tiny granules of sand slipping through my hands, then I am going to work like hell to scrape together and grasp what sand I can to make a sandcastle of memories that no wind, water, or person can take away from me.

The decision is pretty simple.  I'm not going to work for a while. I love my job. I love the places it takes me, the people it brings me to, and just the sheer joy it brings in to my life. I do believe there is a time and a season for everything, so with that in mind, and with the knowledge that my job will always be waiting for me when I am ready, is a blessing that not many people can possess.

This time, this season, is the time for me to be with my daughter, to teach her, to relish the world in and through her eyes, and to exist in a world that is so much better because she is mine.        

No Excuses

This blog post will seem like it's coming out of nowhere, but here goes.

I'm shocked, dismayed, disappointed, and humiliated. And for one main reason.

I'm FAT. I got on the scale a couple of weeks ago, and had that scary, takes your breath away, lightning strikes, no holds barred epiphany. I have reached a weight that I never wanted to reach, and when I mean NEVER, I meant not even 23 months pregnant type weight. (if there was such a thing).

And at first all I could think of was questions such as "How could I do this to myself?", "What the HELL???", "How could I have gained those last 20 lbs THAT FAST???". Tears flowed, swear words came boiling to the surface of my mind, and what semblance of self-confidence seemingly flushed themselves down the toilet close to where my scale sits in my bathroom. Talk about an epiphany that ruins just about everything.

I thought about recent discussions with people that love and care about me enough to tell me that they are worried about me.

I thought about how I've been ignoring my progressive feeling of my clothes getting tighter and tighter.

I thought about how I've busted the zippers in two of my favorite skirts that I wear to church (this puts a SERIOUS damper on outfit options on Sunday mornings before church).

I realized that I've not felt good about how I feel, look, or perceive myself in let's see... I can't even tell you how long.

I realized that the options of clothes that only barely fit in my closet have been diminishing right before my eyes.

Then came the harsh, heart pricking, humbling, and devastating realization, and understanding that I have only one person I can blame for this... that is ME.

I have waited too long, sitting on the sidelines of the game called LIFE, watching other people losing weight and enjoying the fruits of their efforts both in the gym and in watching what they eat.

For too long, I have desperately wanted to feel, look, and know that I am healthy again.

I decided to stop living the way I was living, and to make a serious change.

I am working out again.

I am eating better, and writing down everything that I eat.

I am slowly changing my mindset: that I am not worthless, that I am worth IT.

And I am starting, ever so slowly, to see some results.

To keep doing what I was doing, and to choose not to leave the sidelines is no longer an option.

I have NO excuses.