Over the course of the last couple of weeks, Hallie has told me that she wants a brother or a sister. Depending on the day, she says she wants one or the other. She even comes up with names that I could never pronounce, or are completely made up.
And all I can think of when it comes to even considering this subject, is if only it were easy for us to give her what not only she wants, but what Brandon and I would also love to have. We have often talked about wanting one more little one to come in to our home, but by what avenue...this remains to be seen.
Some people have asked us if we would ever consider fostering again, and the answer in my mind is one resounding "NO". Even when people say things like "well isn't that how you got your daughter?" or "isn't adopting from foster care pretty much free?" I can say "yes that's how we got her" and "yes it was 'free', if you're talking about the financial aspect, but she wasn't 'free' when you think about what we had to go through in order to bring her into our home. We tried to adopt our nephew, and that didn't work out. We had 2 beautiful children brought into our home for 48 hours, and they were sent back into a chaotic environment, and that broke our hearts. Not long after that, we had the incredible blessing of fostering 2 sweet boys that we came so close to adopting, and we had the rug pulled out from under us and they weren't supposed to be ours. I never knew what that kind of heartache felt like. It sounds cliche', but I have deeply loved and lost, and believe me, it is one of the most difficult and trying things I have EVER done in my life.
So, with fostering thrown out the window when it comes to options, what does that leave for possibilities for Brandon and I? What can we do to bring another little one into our lives? There is the option of going down the infertility road, but that poses some difficulties and challenges when it comes to my health. There is the option of privately adopting, but that means finding the finances to do so.
It has been nearly 2 years since Brandon and I officially adopted Hallie. We couldn't ask for more joy and happiness when it comes to her. But we know that with the possibility of her having a sibling, there would be so much more joy and happiness to be had. I wish with all that I am that I could give her what she has been asking for.
I want with all that I am to be a mother to a newborn. I want to experience the sleepless nights, the spit up, the blowouts, toting around a diaper bag, setting up a nursery, buying diapers and bottles, buying beautiful and precious clothes, experiencing and relishing in a baby's firsts: their first smile, their first roll-overs, their wiggles, their coos, their scooting, crawling and walking etc.