It's Not Stuck in Your Head....

I love to sing.  I sing in the car, in my house, and sometimes in the shower (is that an overshare?).

Especially around this time of year when one of the local radio stations has been playing Christmas songs since November 1, I have had a few songs stuck in my head.

Last Saturday was our church Christmas dinner.  A bunch of the little kids got up on to the stage to sing and sign a song.  I was singing this song as I was cleaning the kitchen the other day.  Hallie came in and asked me what song I was singing.  I told her it was the same song she and the other kids had signed and sang last week.  I told her that it was stuck in my head.

She replied saying "It's NOT stuck in your head, it's stuck in your mouth!"

I stood there and after a moment in thought, told her that I agreed!

Ladybug Wants a Sibling

Over the course of the last couple of weeks, Hallie has told me that she wants a brother or a sister.  Depending on the day, she says she wants one or the other.  She even comes up with names that I could never pronounce, or are completely made up.

And all I can think of when it comes to even considering this subject, is if only it were easy for us to give her what not only she wants, but what Brandon and I would also love to have.  We have often talked about wanting one more little one to come in to our home, but by what avenue...this remains to be seen.

Some people have asked us if we would ever consider fostering again, and the answer in my mind is one resounding "NO".  Even when people say things like "well isn't that how you got your daughter?"  or "isn't adopting from foster care pretty much free?" I can say "yes that's how we got her" and "yes it was 'free', if you're talking about the financial aspect, but she wasn't 'free' when you think about what we had to go through in order to bring her into our home.  We tried to adopt our nephew, and that didn't work out.  We had 2 beautiful children brought into our home for 48 hours, and they were sent back into a chaotic environment, and that broke our hearts.  Not long after that, we had the incredible blessing of fostering 2 sweet boys that we came so close to adopting, and we had the rug pulled out from under us and they weren't supposed to be ours. I never knew what that kind of heartache felt like.  It sounds cliche', but I have deeply loved and lost, and believe me, it is one of the most difficult and trying things I have EVER done in my life.

So, with fostering thrown out the window when it comes to options, what does that leave for possibilities for Brandon and I? What can we do to bring another little one into our lives?  There is the option of going down the infertility road, but that poses some difficulties and challenges when it comes to my health.  There is the option of privately adopting, but that means finding the finances to do so.

It has been nearly 2 years since Brandon and I officially adopted Hallie. We couldn't ask for more joy and happiness when it comes to her.  But we know that with the possibility of her having a sibling, there would be so much more joy and happiness to be had.  I wish with all that I am that I could give her what she has been asking for.

I want with all that I am to be a mother to a newborn.  I want to experience the sleepless nights, the spit up, the blowouts, toting around a diaper bag, setting up a nursery, buying diapers and bottles, buying beautiful and precious clothes, experiencing and relishing in a baby's firsts: their first smile, their first roll-overs, their wiggles, their coos, their scooting, crawling and walking etc.

But how?

She Knows Jesus

Hallie has an incredible relationship with Jesus Christ.  She knows who He is.  There have been some experiences that provide pretty strong evidence of this fact.

-Right around the time she turned 3, Hallie and I were riding in the car after leaving the dollar store.  She was upset about something and when I told her she needed to calm down and tell me what was wrong, she replied "I NEED JESUS!!!"  I remember being very shocked that she would say something like that at such a young age.  I responded "Oh sweetheart, we ALL need Him."

-In September when we were on our vacation to the Oregon Coast, Hallie was kind of difficult at times, which made us question our sanity when we decided to go on vacation.  One night, after nerves and frustrations were already fried, she was playing in the tub at the condo, and she pooped in the tub.  That about sent me over the edge when it came to patience.  My mother in law (bless her!) went in and helped clean out the tub and to bathe Hallie.  Hallie knew I was upset, and she told my mother in law this, "I hope Jesus isn't mad at me."  My heart melted when I heard this, and I have since wondered where she would get that.  I have never reprimanded her and told her that anything she does upsets Jesus. She clearly somehow came up with that all on her own.

-A couple of weeks ago, we were driving in the car together and I got frustrated that some guy came dangerously close when he cut me off while pulling into my lane.  Hallie observed my reaction to the guy and asked me, "Mama, do you need Jesus?"  All I could say was that I really did need Him.

My daughter amazes me. She often says some pretty profound, astute, and intelligent things.  It is almost like she is an old soul in a toddler's body.

I believe that children can see and feel things that we adults cannot.  They are so innocent and loving that it is almost impossible to not believe that they can see angels, and be so attuned to the Spirit.

Ever since she came into our home, people have often remarked how special of a little girl she is.  She draws people to her (just like her Daddy) and is such a happy little thing. She is at such a fun age.  I am so thankful that this precious daughter of God is ours.

Just Call Me Grace

Hallie and I have been sick for almost a week now fighting the flu/cold crud that has been going around as it does every year.  We have been cooped up in the house for several days and we were both going kind of nuts.  The last 3 days have shown signs that we are on the mend, so we ventured out to a park today before the nasty weather hits at the end of the week.

We spent some time playing and chasing each other and as I was walking to sit on a park bench so that Hallie could play with some other kids, I told her "Be careful while you play honey."  As soon as I said this, (oh the irony) I ran headfirst into a pole.  I immediately looked around to see if anyone had seen, but luckily not.  But boy did I feel stupid!

As if that wasn't bad enough, I crouched down to walk under one of the bridges on the playground and nearly knocked myself out cold AGAIN by beaning my head HARD on the bottom of the bridge.

Just call me Grace........

Diabetes? Fine. Infertility? Nope.

I am pretty open about many things in my life.  People who know me well know that when they ask me an honest question, they can expect a reciprocating answer.  In this fashion, I might be a bit too trusting.  There are things that I get asked about the most often, the front-runner being my diabetes.  Diabetes is something I harbor absolutely no bad feelings about.  I sometimes feel discouraged, frustrated, or downright ornery about the subject, namely on days that have seen rollercoasting highs and lows when it comes to my blood sugar, but for the most part if someone has questions, they can feel free to ask away.  I even answer the seemingly endless barrage of stupid/ignorant questions about my diabetes.

Then there's that other topic once people find out that we have been married for as long as we have and they learn that Hallie is adopted.  The elephant in the room when such questions arise or such information is learned: INFERTILITY...

I don't know why this topic is so taboo for me.  Accepting it? Easy.  Facing it with medical help/intervention?  Haven't quite gone there yet.  Discussing it with members of my family who struggle with it?  No problem.  Discussing the sometimes personal and searching questions from people I hardly know or don't quite know well enough?  YIKES.  

I can't quite explain that feeling of me putting up a nearly tangible but invisible barrier/wall around me when someone expresses curiosity as to why we only have one child. You would think that having married into a culture where blunt and searching questions abound, that I would be able to be more open about this...topic.  

Not only are there the questions surrounding how Hallie came into our family, then there are the questions about how do we plan on having/getting more kids, or questions as to when we plan on it etc.  I can't quite put a label to all the different types of questions that result from one BIG question, but I just don't always feel ready to talk about it, or I get sick of giving the same answers over and over and over again.  

I have friends that are pretty open about the fact that infertility is a challenge they and their significant others face in their lives. I support them in that.  Even when they are a bit TMI in my opinion.  

So there you go, I have put this out there.  Do any of my 3 readers (maybe I'm being presumptuous) or so struggle with anything like this?  

29 Has Come and Gone...

My 29th birthday has come and gone.  It was a fairly good day with the exception that I was watching my sister's dog while she and her family were on vacation and he decided to go out back and roll around in fresh dog poop, hence me having to wash him twice and then clean out the bath tub, but I digress....

Something about turning 29 kind of hit me. Just a week before my birthday was both my husband's and my dad's birthdays, and they turned 30 and 60.  But there was just something about 29 that felt different.  I felt OLD.  Someone that we go to church with asked me if I was turning 32 or 33 because they thought I was a few years older than Brandon.  Sheesh.  That will do a number on the psyche. Digression.....

I am a little scattered today, maybe even more so than usual.

Anyways, when asked what I would want for my birthday, I asked for money.  I knew pretty much what I wanted to spend it on, so I did my research for people's reviews online and found that a majority were pretty positive, so I went ahead with my purchase!  Here is what I got:

I absolutely love these pots and pans from Rachel Ray!  My kitchen is decorated in a lighter shade of blue, and a brighter cobalt blue.  Blue is one of my favorite colors, it always has been.

I had a little bit of a run in with bad luck upon buying these at one of the local stores, I brought them home and opened the box and washed the pans and put them away.  I used a couple of them and washed them up again and noticed that one of the non-stick linings on a sauce pan was starting to peel back and flake off.  I thought this was strange, so back to the store they went, and I exchanged them for new ones, as well as buying two more different sized skillets that were on sale and getting a flat square shaped skillet.  I have also used birthday money to buy some of Rachel Ray's blue spatulas, and I would also like her large blue roasting pan and a set of mixing spoons as well.  But those will have to wait maybe until Christmas.

Some might think that I haven't had my other pots and pans that long.  You would be right, we just celebrated our 8 year anniversary earlier this week on the 7th!  But I was tired of those pots and pans and I knew someone that could use them.  I wanted something new and different for my kitchen, and something to put to good use with my newfound love for cooking.

Since I am staying at home now, I have so much more free time on my hands to be able to plan dinners, make the grocery shopping lists for the recipe ingredients, and actually cook them.  I have loved this.  With me staying at home, we aren't eating out nearly as much as we used to, and cooking deliciously healthy meals has been both budget friendly and fun for me.  Now I am just that much more excited since I have these new pretties to cook with!

Hope everyone is doing well!

" I NEED JESUS!!"

A couple of evenings ago, Hallie and I went to the local Dollar Tree to get her some more puzzles to do since she is stinkin' smart and has gotten tired of the ones we bought just last week.  She was so good in the store and when we got in the car I started to tease her a little bit:

"Hallie, you are a cute little stinker."

"I not a stinker Mama."

"Yes you are, and a smart little stinker at that."

"But Mama, I NOT a stinker, I not have a stinky diaper."

"Hallie, you  are MY little stinky stinker!"

"I NOT A STINKER!  I NOT STINKY!"
(getting clearly frustrated at my fun little teasing, she starts to cry a bit)

(sniffle sniffle)

"I NEED JESUS!"...."I love Jesus!"

I couldn't help but laugh at how this conversation panned out between the two of us.

As I kept driving I couldn't help but think to myself, that yes, in fact we ALL need Jesus.

And I had to laugh at how serious she was, and yet sincere when she said that.  I love my sweet, endearing, wide little girl.